Negotiations, bribery, fast talkin’ and a My Little Pony (or two): how to REALLY raise a 4yo boy

Nothing puts you in your place like an insult from a 4yo

Negotiations, bribery, fast talkin’ and a My Little Pony (or two): how to REALLY raise a 4yo boy

I am a very girly girl. Growing up with two sisters with a mother who even coordinated our outfits (ok MATCHED…herself included!), our home was a pink Barbie Hello Kitty frilly sparkly glittery heaven! No apologies there as I know for some pink will offend 🙂

So having not one but TWO boys (Oscar -almost 5 and Lewis-almost 1) has been an eye-opener to say the least….ok I’ll be honest-I had NO idea what to expect!

Motherhood in general is a journey in itself-a true test (a battle some days!) but raising boys!?! Oh.emm.Gee!

The smell, the noise, and from the 4yo the outright ATTITUDE (nothing puts you in your place than being called a ‘farty bum bum poopoo head)  and did I mention the smell!?! There’s nothing that prepares you for that!

I’ve picked up a few tips along the way, the most recent from my lovely friend Sabeen of mumchic (a mother of two boys herself) who came up with her own cracker of a survival guide to raising boys. Go check it out! But here are just a few tricks I’ve learnt (and still learning / failing at!) about being the boys’ mumma:

-Negotiating: I always thought I would be one of those tough mothers who’d be all like “you get what you’re given”. When it comes to things like food, yep-will stand my ground with that one, but honestly, there are some days where “ok one more show” will avoid the tantrum (and 20 minutes to soothe that one over if we’re lucky!).

But be selective! Things like “one more show” or “five more minutes” (in the bath / on the Ipad / outside on the skooter) – he gets what he wants and I get five more minutes of peace – win/win!

–  Bribery: Ohh what Oscar will do for ONE lollipop / that extra point on the rewards chart (currently working for another My Little Pony(Princess Celestia in case you were wondering) and a Dora app he saw advertised on Nickolodeon…his reward chart, he gets to pick his rewards…so far he’s managed to work for  a Rapunzel Barbie, a pillowpet AND four apps!). Bribery works wonders especially when out in public. Sure, I’ve let him have the tantrum (and ignore him yep-that was me and my child smack bang in the middle of Woolworths (Lolly Aisle – go figure and NEVER going back down there again) but again, just to get through to the end of that grocery shop / outing, a little bit of bribery goes a LONG way. Just remember to FOLLOW THROUGH on the promise….four-year olds don’t forget.

– The Fast talk (aka ‘how the f**k do I answer THAT!?) Answer as fast as you can – frankly or sugarcoated answer – and move on just as quickly “ooh look! Up there!”

Distraction is also a great tool for this. And yes, for the most part, just pretend you didn’t hear them… In my case, questions like these are keeping me on my toes! Ok you ready? (and these are ALL from the 4yo’s mouth):

•  ‘mumma what’s a camel toe?’ ‘what happened to his hand?’ ‘is she supposed to look like that?” ‘mumma are you still pregnant? (this was SIX months after having his little brother!) ‘is SHE pregnant?’ ‘why are they wearing teatowels on their heads?’ ‘is that guy wearing a dress?? Seriously!?’ ‘but you said I could have one after…?’ (damn bribery – remember bribery+fast-talk combo NOT a good idea!)
• And of course ‘BUT WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Mumma!!!!!!!????” fifty. hundred. times

– The Fast walk – in the same vein as the fast talk, walk away from the scene of the crime pronto! As soon as they point out whatever it is they need to loudly (what is UP with that!?!)….He might strain over his shoulder (and loudly announce his exit) as you  drag him away…you’ve been warned

– Be prepared for the insults – don’t say I didn’t warn you, your sweet smiling little prince is going to turn feral at some point.  4yo boys sure do come out with some rippers. Sometimes you really do have to laugh (but HIDE it!) at their creativity especially as theyre learning so many words! Here are a few of Master 4’s classics:

•  “Farty bum bum/ farty bum bum poo poo head” (or any combo of fart bum and poo really)
• “You’re such a GERMSPREADER!” (who knew bacteria could be so offensive!)
• “Don’t be such a CHARACTER!”
• “You’re totally ALREADY on my nervous!” (nervous/nerves same same)

 – Obsession with their (and everybody else’s bits) Oh yes, they do start young. And yes, you know you need to stop showering in front of your child when he starts pointing out (Loudly of course) to everyone (teachers included) that “you have a front bum. You have a peepee. You have a frontbum. You have a peepee (repeat).

Or pull up Barbie’s clothes at a friends child’s first birthday party (as he and two other little boys did last weekend) shrieking “Look! Barbie’s NAKED!!! She has BOOBS!!! Did you see her BUM???” Bahahahhahaa BOOOBS!!”

Or just come up with his own expressions (I so fondly call ‘Oscarisms’):

• “getting naked” aka breastfeeding
• “peoples” aka nipples / boobs

Oh yes, everybody at preschool knew about “mumma who doesn’t work anymore (maternity leave) she just stays home and ‘gets naked’ all the time’ BREASTFEEDING CHILD! BREASTFEEDING!

Or when he was 2 ½ and pulled the top of my black strapless maxi dress down (surprise surprise in the grocery store again…in front of a group of prepubescent teens…) “ Look mumma!!! YOUR PEOPLES!!!!!!!!!!”

The boob / bum / peepee / ‘Gynee (yep, he’s learnt the word ‘gynee’) / getting naked obsession starts at a very early age….and how could I forget all the bodily functions they keep going on and on about! Honestly how can farts and poos and wees be THAT entertaining!?!? Don’t even get me started about when he asks for ‘privacy’ in the bath…

– And finally, the smell and attitude

Ok, Ill be honest…NOTHING can prepare you for that. How to deal with it? With the attitude – a combination of the above techniques and the Simmer down chair (a little something I picked up once from watching Charlie & Lola….in our case a leather bucket seat in our bedroom – he marches himself up there, gets it ALL out of his system and cant come down the stairs until he’s ‘simmered down’) and yes, the simmer down chair is portable!

The smell…more air freshener?? I’ll get back to you on that one!

So there you have it mummas and papas, just remember you can’t lose your wits and sense of humour over these little people (I know – now THAT is a challenge in itself!) Sometimes all there’s left to do is just sit back and laugh it out…number one thing to remember in this whole craziness that is parenthood– you just gotta have a sense of humour about it all!

Ohh and a bottle of Verdelho / Sauvignon Blanc chillin in the fridge….just in case…

Good luck! And yes,when all else fails, deep breath in….and out…ahhh mummawoosah!